Zhi Zhou

Zhi Zhou

Zhi Zhou in official dress, usual (and only) expression.

Information

Born	23 June 1972 Zwang Chou, China [1]
Age	49 (for several years now)
Nationality	Chinese
Occupations	Top-level athlete Politician Single-jacket model
Party	Chinese Communist Party
Discipline	Football (and everything else, except smiling)
Height	1.85 m of authority
Distinguishing feature	ISO 9001-certified frown
Hairstyle	1989 cut (still in force)
Motto	"I don't smile. I plan."
Awards	Medal of the Black Stare Order of the Buttoned Collar (3rd class)

Zhi Zhou (Simplified Chinese: 周志， pronounced while frowning), born on 23 June 1972 in Zwang Chou (China), is a top-level athlete and Chinese politician, a member of the Chinese Communist Party.^[2] Experts consider him "the only man in the world whose own shadow calls him 'sir'."^{[citation needed]}

He is best known for his fixed stare, his jacket buttoned up to the chin, and for systematically showing up in five copies whenever his name is typed into a search engine.

He is currently at the centre of the Mbappé affair, a matter he has decided to "correct" himself (see below).

The Mbappé affair edit

The controversy began with a joke by Kylian Mbappé about Mao Zedong during an interview, which triggered a wave of criticism in China, public apologies and the end of several commercial partnerships.^[3]

Zhi Zhou followed the affair on television, without a word, brow furrowed. At the end of the report, he switched off the set. Experts saw it as an opinion.^{[citation needed]}

Zhi Zhou then reportedly decided to settle the matter personally, in the most understated way possible.

The headbutt

Analysts note that Zhi Zhou looks exactly as angry before, during and after the gesture. The referee's verdict came immediately: red card, accepted without a word and without taking off the jacket.

Biography edit

Childhood and youth

Zhi Zhou was born on 23 June 1972 in Zwang Chou, a town whose existence has never been confirmed by any map, but which everyone swears to have "already driven through".^[1] According to his official biographers, he spoke his first word at the age of 8 months: "Silence", in a tone his nanny judged "slightly threatening".

As a child, he stood out for his remarkable calm. He never cried; he expressed his displeasure by staring at the wall until it gave way. His classmates report that he is the only pupil ever to have received a warning… from the blackboard.^{[citation needed]}

By the age of 12, he was already wearing the jacket that would make him famous. His mother claims he was born with the collar buttoned.

Sporting career

Zhi Zhou began his athletic career in the early 1990s, in football, which he plays with exactly the same face as everything else.^[2] He was quickly noticed for his mental discipline, his endurance, and his ability to remain perfectly impassive during medal ceremonies, even when someone else wins.

Over the years, he excelled in many events: ping-pong (no ball), marching in formation, hurdling meetings, file throwing, and an endless 4 × 100 m relay (where he runs all four legs himself "for efficiency").

His record is described as "indecent" by specialists: he reportedly won all the World Cups and all the Champions Leagues, "or at least a lot of them", according to the official wording. When asked how many, he answers by frowning, which is considered an answer.

He ended his sporting career in 2008, following an ambiguous statement: "I am not retiring, I am simply being reassigned."

Political career

Zhi Zhou climbed the ranks at a speed some call "meteoric" and others "perfectly normal given his stare". He successively held the posts of:

• neighbourhood delegate (1994);
• deputy vice-chair of the subcommittee of subcommittees (1999);
• chair of the committee in charge of supervising the other committees (2005);
• "Grand Coordinator of the Middle" (2012–present), a title whose function no one understands, but which no one dares to ask about.

His political platform fits in three points: 1) work more; 2) smile less; 3) keep the jacket.

Style and personality edit

Zhi Zhou is known for a rich range of facial expressions, of which only one is officially recognised: "serious". Experts nevertheless note several subtle nuances:

His outfit, a grey closed-collar jacket, has been identical since 1984. He doesn't wash it: "It refreshes itself through sheer authority," he declared in 2014.

Image mosaic edit

Zhi Zhou is one of the few public figures to appear in five nearly identical photos in search results, a layout that art historians call the "mosaic of authority" and statisticians call "not very varied".

Several researchers have tried to determine the differences between the five shots. After ten years of study, the conclusion of the Institute for Eyebrow Observation is as follows: "One of them may be slightly more to the left."

Honours edit

Controversies edit

• The eternal age affair: a famous search engine has stated that he is "49" for several years now, without Zhi Zhou or his entourage complaining. He is said to have declared: "Time works for me."
• The Zwang Chou affair: several journalists tried to travel to his hometown, in vain. They all ended up in Chengdu, with no explanation.
• The collar affair: in 2017, rumours claimed he had once undone the top button of his jacket. The fact-checking service denied it: "Impossible: the button asked permission to open. Denied."
• The five photos affair: some internet users believe there are in fact five Zhi Zhous. This theory was denied, then confirmed, then denied again, by the same person.

Quotes edit

"I don't have a winner's face. I have the face of someone who has already won and is waiting for you to realise it." — Zhi Zhou, at a conference where nobody dared to applaud

"A smile is unbudgeted public spending." — Zhi Zhou, statement at a meeting

"I'm not angry. This is simply my face." — Zhi Zhou, to a photographer

Legacy edit

Zhi Zhou's influence is considerable. He is credited in particular with the concept of the administrative stare, now taught in several schools, as well as the "buttoned collar" trend in the most rigorous circles. A museum is dedicated to him in Zwang Chou; it has never been visited, as nobody knows where Zwang Chou is.

In 2020, a survey revealed that 94% of respondents immediately recognise his face, while the remaining 6% "preferred not to answer, out of caution".

See also edit

• Black stare
• Closed-collar jacket
• The 1989 haircut
• Five-copy search results
• Absence of smiling (phenomenon)

Notes and references edit